For all you Southern Folks out there . . .

  Southern by birth or not, you should appreciate this. Every Tuesday or Wednesday our local paper The Rural Virginian is distributed to surrounding counties. Filled with ads and the usual helpful information — not to mention a big push for all the small local business in the area — the paper also contains an article called “Don’t Get Me Started” by Langden Mason.

  This week’s article:

                     

                 Family Functions Often Add Fuel To The Fire

 

   When the days get hot and hazy and you can barely breath outside because the humidity is as thick as Albemarle red clay, Southerners tend to do something a bit crazy. Instead of staying indoors and reading a book recommended by Oprah Winfrey or watching our favorite fishing show, we decide  to not only spend an afternoon in the backyard in the sweltering heat, but we feel inclined to invite a good portion of the family tree to join us. That’s right. It’s time for the all-American backyard barbeque with the kinfolk.

   Now first of all, a lot of families are already as volatile as a gas leak in a cigar shop, but add a  little heat and humidity , an old family grudge and some indigestion and you’ve got a recipe for an interesting afternoon.

   Overall, our families are pretty normal — by Southern Standards. But like all families, there are those member who tend to cause a ruckus that gives the rest of us family members something to talk about. I’m not saying they carry out heinous acts; they merely participate in quirky little activities that bring no blood shed, but are quite harmful all the same.

    Unfortunately, family’s tiny incidences tend to get blown all out of proportion and, inevitably, by the ned of the barbeque one person stews, another screams, another shuts up, and finally one of them says “Come on, Harold. We’re not wanted here” and throws gravel as their Buick pulls away and nearly sideswipes the mailbox at the end of the driveway. 

    Okay, so maybe things don’t always reach the boiling point, but there is always somebody in the family that causes enough friction to make the gatherin simmer at an uncomfrtable temperature.

 It’s usually Uncle Bob who gets the ball rolling. He’s the male relative who is the expert on outdoor cooking. His critical grilling can send any host or hostess over the edge.

   “Daggone it, ” he usually begins. “You got those cheap charcoat briquetts. You couldn’t get them things lit if you were in Hell with hight blowers on. Shoot, by the time you get that sucker goin’ we’ll be ready to cook a Thanksgivin turkey. That’s what’s wrong with all you young people. You never think. You never plan!”

    Oh yeah? I’m doing a little planning right now, the host contemplates. I’m planning on dragging you out of that chairs lounge and beating the heck out of you as only a young person can.

    “I see you’re gonna try an’ cook those burger and dogs right on the grill’s rack without puttin’ foil on it,” he adds. “You”ll be sorry. They’re gonna drop right down through the slits and into your charcoal. It takes no time at all tro put a little foil on your grill rack and poke some holes in it. shoot, we might as well order pizza ’cause all the ground  beef will be sizzlin’ down in the charcoal. Of course you don’t have a thing worry about ’cause you’ll never get those cheap briquettes lit any time this year.”

    As the host considers tossing Uncle Bob through the slits in the grill rack, Old Aunt Abigail continues her loud talking to anyone who will listen. Old Aunt Abigail is the member in the family who insists she can hear just bit rarely answers her front foor because she is watching “The Young and the Restless” with the sound on her television turned up so loud the tea cups in her dining room hutch are rattling as they would during a major earthquake.

  She enjoys narrating the entrances of each family memer into the backyward barbeque. Thinking the whole time that she is merely whispering, she lets half the town know what’s goingon in our young and restless family.

  “Would you look at sweet little Cindy” Old Aunt Abigail announces as Cindy gets out of her car. “She looks like a cow. I betcha she’s put on fifty pounds. Is she pregnant? I don’t wanna be the one to ask on account I don’t wanna embarrass her.”

  Of course sweet little Cindy has turned beet red since she has heard the whole thing still standing in the driveway.

  “Would you look at Andy’s hair,” she continues. “When did he become an Elvis impersonator? He looks like a clown with those stupid sideburns. Somebody outghta tell him to see a barber. I don’t wanna get in his business, though.”

   “I’ll get one first thing Monday mornin’, deaf lady,” Andy yells angrily from the driveway.

    “Not bad at all, ” Old Aunt Abigail answers him. “And how are you, dear?”

     A little while later, the last guests arrive. “Well here comes my wonderful son Billy Lin’ and his rent-a-tramp wife Bernice. Can’t believe he took her back aftter findin’ her and her therapist together at the Monticello Motel. He needs to put her in a pillow case qith a cinder block and throw her butt in the river like a cat. Then he’d be done with her.”

  Of course the rest of the family had heard nothing of this incident. Neither had the neighbors. But everybody knows now. After the grill had suprisingly lit up and Old Aunt Abigail had poped down, there are plenty of other family members left to add stress to the occasion.

  There is Cousin Keith who is training for the Boston Marathon. He spends the afternoon giving everyone how little he eats, how far he runs and how firm his stomach is. Someone be sure to give that guy a box of Twinkies for Christmas, ya’ll hear?

  Cousin Russel’s wife complains about her ailments from the time she arrives until the time she aches her way to the car. From the voices she hears in her head to the bunions and corns on her feet, she is such a joy to be around. Bless her Heart.

   Aunt Shirle is the one who irritates everybody by staying busy snapping photos of everything under the sun. When the adrenaline starts flwoing in her photo snapping finger, the bathroom isn’t even a safe haven.

   Last but not least, there are the two family members who have been holding a grudge for so long that not a soul can remember when it began. Aunt Barb and Aunt Beulah have been feuding for years. Some say it was over a man. Others say it was over some money a great uncle left them that somehow never got fairly distributed. Others of us know it all started over fifteen years ago when they both showed up at the same family reunion with the same three bean casserole they both insisted was an original recipe. Old Aunt Abigail swore it was a back issue of Southern Living.

   Anyway, it seems that Aunt Barb left with a clean disah while Aunt Beulah had to leave in shame with one-fourth of her casserole remaining in her Pyrex. Aunt Barb now brings that daggone three bean casserole to every get-together. Aunt Beulah opts for potato salad.

  So are you planning on getting together with family this upcoming Fourth of July weekend? You might want to consider Oprah’s recommended book list or taking in a fishing show on cable instead. Otherwise, at least start off on a good foot by paying a little extra for thos Quick Lighting Charcoal Briquettes.